I managed to get booked in one of the nastiest motels in Maryland. The wall is crumbling behind the vinyl. The ceiling tiles are sagging in the unventilated bathroom. The room is dirty and I am not sure what that dark red spot is in the middle of the room. I hope that is spilled soda behind the bed. Maybe those hairs are embedding in the floor of the shower due to some resurfacing treatment.

The hotels around the area are booked solid due to some accordian players convention I would imagine...so I am stuck here. The only saving grace is the Internet connection. As I have been sitting here, I have come to the realization it is time for me to face my demons. No, I am not talking about the small insects flying about the room, I am talking about my abandonment issue.

It may be true that my abondonment issue was aggravated by the suicide of my Father when I was 6, the suicide of my Brother when I was 12, the suicide of my Wife and Mother of three of our kids (which I fear will have the same issues) when I was 32. But overall, I think I have maintained control of my life and have pushed to make something great of it...until I figured out that things don't make a person great.

I have tried to talk to the shrink about the issue and she insist that it is deeper than relatives commiting suicide. It is her (and my Queens) belief that my abandonment issues stem from birth.

I was adopted at 6 months age. I believe I actually had some time with my birth mother not for any factual evidence such as a social worker's interview, but I just feel like I met her. I have too many questions and not enough answers. Don't get me wrong, my Mother was wonderful. I could not have asked for a better Mom, Stepdad (even though we didn't often see eye to eye) or Sister. They are my family.

But my demons are beginning to bother me and I don't feel like there is much time left to get the answers I so desperately need. Therefore, I am kicking things off and agressively searching for them. I have always had my name out on the common websites to allow them to find me if they so chose. I can no longer wait.

My Mother wrote me a letter when I was still a few months in the household to make sure I had as much information as she had. She informed me of the details behind why I was placed for adoption or at least what was given to her. I will transpose the letter sometime in the near future to this blog. It is a bit lengthy as she didn't want to leave anything out.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). If you know someone who may know someone who can help me find my birth parents. Please email me at n8iv@n8iv.net.

Here is the sketchy bit of summary information that I have.

Birth & Adoption Details
Adoptee's Birthdate: October 18, 1966
Birthplace: Los Angeles, California, USA
Adoptee's Gender: Male
Multiple Birth: No

Attorney/Agency: Robert J. Farrell
Adoption Date: Febuary 20, 1967
Adoption Location: San Bernadino, California, USA
Orphanage: San Bernadino adoption center
Hospital: University of California
Doctor: John M or W Hogan?
local Cert: 7097 091122
Case Number: LA1940-1413938

The Birth Certificate states Los Angeles County. I was called "baby boy Stone" in the care center. A lookup of Stone for 10/18/1966 shows a Birthmother last name of Ashlock and a Birthfather of LR Stone. I hope there is a correlation.

One other quick point. Ever since adoption, I have been told that my Birthfather is Sioux and my Birthmother is Cherokee. The quorum amount is unknown. I believe I can have the records opened since the Indian Child Welfare Act was adopted after my adoption.

If you are aware of any facts that can help me in my quest, please email me.

Another tax day and again the government will continue to bend people over in order to get the money it so seriously deserves. We need to pay for the new infrastructure such as roads for our vehicles and city water services. We need to pay for our health care for the elderly and the very young. We, as a people, need to pay to ensure our defense against the evil tyrrany that threatens our way of life and our personal liberties.

We need to pay.

And we do pay. But apparently we do not pay enough. Right now, the United States government is running with nearly a $8.9 Trillion deficit. The entire 2007 federal budget is $2.8 Trillion (not including other appropriations for the war effort). How many companies would be permitted to run in a debt of three times the entire budget? Wouldn't they be severly scrutinized for cheating the stockholders like Enron? Or is it OK because they are telling us that we are spending money we don't have?

We...yes we. We are paying the government to perform a duty for us. We are paying our voted officials. We are the government. I sometimes think that we forget who is in charge. I also think the government officials forget who is in charge. We make the laws. We uphold the laws. We interpret the laws.

So when we do not spend our money in a way that best suits us, doesn't it just piss you off? I think we forget, we have a voice. We are the voice. As quiet as my voice is, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! If you want me to pay taxes, fine. I will pay them. But listen to me...listen to us when we stand up and tell you something.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). Step out of the shadows and get vocal. If the spending of $20 Thousand on a bomb (just the bomb, not the plane, pilot an fuel to get the bomb there) to blow up a truck in Iraq is too much for you to bare, tell your representatives. If you believe the war will help create stability in the Middle East to continue the flow of the crude oil so the fuel companies can again post record profits, tell your representative.

And if you are just sick and tired of the government not listening to you, not voting as you want to vote, stop paying your taxes. Then the people can pay for you to sit in the cushy white collar jail room. That is a much better way to spend money.