I have started reading a site that Mickerdoo turned me on to. Cave Canum (cavecanum.com) is a place where you can anonymously post and read other people's secrets. If I am absolutely bored because all of the people performing the upgrade to our system is in Russia, I will pull up the page and read the secrets.

Most of them are just people dealing with love or relationships like 22856:

if your goal lastnight was to make me change my mind about you and everything, i think you would be pleased to know you succeeded.

Some, are people who are frustrated with politics, police, lack of toilet paper or any other problems life has thrown their way. 22847 made me laugh:

i wash my comforter about once a year. i keep it quite clean.

These (22818) are the ones that make me go...huh?

I shave my chest and nipples and im a girl

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). Go ahead. Post a secret. But when you are reading all of the other posts, don't start thinking you may know who posted that one. It may just drive you nuts.

Did you know...

Most of the US believes the governments biggest secret still remains to be Area 51.

I think I have gained control of my life again. Granted it did take the help of some drugs, a shrink, and my family, but I think I have gained some perspective on some things.

First, I am not my job title. This is actually a big turning point for me. My wife has always considered me the overacheiver. She claims that the fact I am adopted, my father committed suicide, my brother committed suicide, and lastly my first wife committed suicide, that I have abandonment issues. So, for my entire life, I have fought and pushed myself to climb to the top of the corporate ladder.

What do I mean? Well, I am a Native American male without a college education that grew up in a rather poor family. Even in school, I always pushed to be the best. I was in theater as the Artful Dodger. I was in Music (Band and Chorus) and received the Illinois Outstanding Soloist award and the National Music Honor Award. After receiving scholarship opportunities for music, I determined that music was not a career and joined the Air Force for 4 years. I wanted to learn how to work on fighter jets. Instead they stuck me into "telephone and data circuitry" (whatever that is). How fortuitous it was that telephone and data communications would be the next big thing.

As the technology field transformed, I realized that I needed to transform with it and absorb as much as possible to continue to climb the ladder. After co-owning a company, and dealing with the trials and tribulations associated with owning a small business with 27 employees, I also found out that the waiting for cash to come into the company was harder than getting the opportunities. So, we sold it.

Ever since, I have been fighting to get back to the top of a company that somebody ELSE owns. What have I learned? Think about your happiness and the happiness of the people important to you...not your job title. When you have departed this world, your job title will be a line. How you lived life...will be immortality.

Second, find out who you are. In my solidarity in Virginia, I have found out that I like some things that my Queen does not. I listen to different music. I like watching Deal or No Deal (they had Hanson on there yesterday). I like walking around the city...Chicago mostly, but I believe any city has a certain beauty. I am discovering myself again after being my wife's husband after all this time.

She has even confirmed this. She informed me that I have become interesting again...and that I don't take the things she wants or like and steal it. She hates it when I take her passions and run with it. I understand now.

Last, let loose and have fun. Having fun has always been a gray area for me. On the train, I had fun, but I have to admit it was not the best think for me. I increased my alcohol content by 10,000 fold and I often lost my composure in situations I should have avoided. This is partly chemical and also has something to do with the overachieving mentioned earlier.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). I need to find out what is fun. Now that I have had a chance to figure out how to handle my life, I need to figure out how to have fun without hurting myself or others. The Queen says to make friends (male friends). Problem one...I tend not to like the male ego a whole lot (probably some sort of reflective therapy is needed here) and I am not a big fan of sports...except hockey or the Chicago Bears! In fact, the only real manly man thing I do is listen to Maxim radio in my pickup truck. But I listen to laugh.

A friend of mine, a tall white skinny South African, seemed to have the method to have fun. In the same way I tend to write, he tends to express himself through abstract walking. We would be walking down the sidewalk and somehow the topic of zygotes came up. He spontaneously threw both of his hands over his head and ran around us bent down.

"I am a SPERM looking for an EGG!" he exclaimed in the middle of downtown Washington DC.

As we walked down the graded sidewalk to lunch, he gradually picked up the pace to an all out run and slammed into the bus stand spread eagle. He continued to wiggle against the clear covered bus stand attempting to "enter the egg."

The expression of the people sitting IN the bus stand was not only one of WTF and fear, but of disgust. Because from their angle I can only imagine it looked like my South African friend was humping the glass.

OK...maybe I won't go that far. Maybe I will just go play pool.

Did you know...

Curitiba, Brazil has the best designed bus system in the world. They have approximately 1,100 buses carrying 1.3 million passengers per day. The roads have dedicated busways to ensure on time delivery of the passengers.

I woke up this morning and performed my usual ritual of peeing, showering, drying, brushing my teeth, shaving and dressing. I happen to be running a little bit late this morning because I hit the snooze bar two or three too many times. I find the best is the most comfortable when I first crawl into it...and when I first wake up in the morning and the rest of the room is a bit cool.

I do my best to not wake up my "roommate" as she calls it. She is really my mother-in-law. Mother of my Queen. Closer in age to me than I am to her daughter, there doesn't seem to be any issues with this living arrangement. She arrive home from work so late, I say about 10 words to her before I retire to my room.

I buy a good majority of the food in the house. I eat...she doesn't. When she does, it tends to be chips and salsa (or guac) or something I may have bought for myself knowing she would also eat it such as lunch meats or ramen noodles.

One day last week, I decided to buy myself some ground beef to make myself some real cheeseburgers. I figured that out of a pound of meat, I could get three nice sized burgers. So, I seasoned them, cooked them and had one for dinner that night. It was perfect and I sealed the other 2 burgers in ziplock bags for lunch over the next couple of days.

When the Queen Mother came home, she took one sniff of the burgers and the first words out of her mouth were "what smells so good?"

Feeling like the deer in the headlights I reply "Burgers?..."

"mmmm"

This is about the point I realize that I didn't even think to find out if she liked burgers. If I would have known, I would have purchased more beef.

"There are two in the fridge. If you would like one..." I offer.

"They smell great! Why did you make so many?"

"I planned to take them to work for lunch."

"Oh, never mind then. I don't want to take your lunches."

How does one handle a situation like that? Next time I guess I will just buy more ground beef.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). Don't blame your Queen Mother for a fart unless you are absolutely sure. When I walked out of my room this morning to head for work, there was this rancid stench looming in the house with that odor de sulphur. Since my "roommate" sleeps on the couch in the living room (she has a bedroom, she doesn't use it), I thought she let off the mother of all air biscuits.

Holding my breathe, I quietly unlock the door and depart from the house. As soon as I exit, I exhale and take a deep breathe of fresh air...that was not fresh at all. It seems the stench was from OUTSIDE the house. The smell was worse so my deep breathe was quickly followed by a feeling of nausea.

I think I would rather be in the house.

Did you know...

Sulphur by itself is a tasteless, odorless non-metal. When boiled in water, it creates hydrogen sulphide, an acidic compound with the smell of rotten eggs.

Last weekend, a friend of the family came over to the house and the big topic of conversation was the Bears game. She informed us that since all of the people in the bayou are doing their voodoo to win the Bears vs. Saints game, that a news station had a news story about how Chicago fans could use voodoo of their own.

Apparently, we had to write "Saints" on a piece of paper and stick it in the freezer thereby "freezing" the Saints. OK. Why not?

The following morning (game day) the Queen, Avery and I went out for breakfast to find snow covering the viniman. I looked at the Queen and smiled. What is it that New Orleans does NOT have? Cold...and Snow. I knew this was going to be a great advantage for Chicago. Wind, Cold, Snow, Home field...all of these are good. It paid off. Chicago Bears managed to withstand the cold and snow to beat the Saints 39-14. They are heading to the Super Bowl to play against Indianapolis.

It should be an excellent game. I am sure High Priestess is just beside herself right now. She is from Indianapolis and lives in Chicago. What a dilemna to have. Multiple personalities will be having fights over who should win. Just think of how HER night will be Super Bowl Sunday.

Announcer in the background: "Touchdown Colts!"

High Priestess: "YEAH!" (dance dance dance)

High Priestess mopes in the corner.

High Priestess jumps up and down on the bed.

Announcer in the background: "and the extra point is good!"

High Priestess: "Dammit! Comon Bears! Bring it back!"

With alcohol added to the mix, I am SURE the game will almost be as good as the show.

On another note, my flight was delayed last night due to snow. I was happy to see the snow nonetheless. Then when I finally arrived in Virginia, I found (get this) snow. SWEET! Minor problem though. The roads seemed to be all ice. LOTS of cars were left in snow banks.

The Queen called in a panic to inform me NOT to drive to the house and to stay in a hotel for the night. So, that's what I did. A bit of an ordeal with Econolodge (terrible service and a bit trashy) so I ended up in Comfort Inn. You know exactly how the hotel is when you walk up to the office, and you have to stand outside, and talk through the bullet-proof glass to try to get a room.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). I like my job. I have found this is a rare accomplishment. I like the work I do, and I like that my company is taking my ideas and running with them to make a business from it.

After discussing it with the Queen and my boss, I am freezing the change of jobs back to Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I love Chicago. It is the best city in the world. But, to have a job that I truly enjoy, is not likely to happen in Chicago. So, after working out a deal with my boss, I will work from home one week per month and spend the rest of the time here in Virginia.

To show my company spirit, instead of videotaping myself doing a cheer that defies gravity, time and physics, I decided to post a banner.

Did you know...

The US Chamber of Commerce concluded that employees steal more than $40 billion annually from their employers. This is 10 times the value of street crime in the US or 1.5% of the annual value of all world trade.

Off to the airport again. Tonight I fly back to Chicago to visit my family and cheer on the cheerleader. I am actually becoming old hat at flying and getting through airports. Of course, I have never taken any international flights, but you never know. I want to travel internationally, I just haven't taken the initiative to complete the process.

Next question would be...where to go? Well, Europe would be nice to visit. Asia as well. The language barrier may be an issue, but I can muddle through.

I love to travel.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). Is the toilet paper the same overseas as it is in America? Is it all bodets? I really don't want to wipe my butt with a cloth towel. That just seems wrong on so many levels. What does someone do with the towel after they have properly wiped out the Klingons? Do you zap it with your phaser?

Lastly, who is the pour soul that has to wash the towels? What did people do before toilet paper? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

On the bright side, the Queen has informed me that the house is fully stocked with TP. Good. Last time, I had to pull some from my stash.

Did you know...

In the early years, Scott advertisements were suggesting that "over 65% of middle-aged men and women suffered from some sort of rectal disease". Inferior toilet paper was deemed to be responsible. It was printed in Scott advertisements that "harsh toilet tissue may cause serious injury".

I have just been busy at work. I should be fully caught up tomorrow.

UPDATE: A young lady from Circuit City called me today to first apologize for the bad service, and second to get more details as to how my shopping experience should be improved. A ray of light.

I still have not heard a word from Mr. Phil Schoonover or Circuit City so I would imagine they just don't care. Big surprise there. At that rate, they will be filing for bankruptcy within the year. I know Circuit City personnel have read my blog because my site couter saw them on the entry for 16 minutes. So the fact they have not responded is not very customer saavy.

Last Saturday, I went to cash my second job paycheck for $76 and change at PNC Bank (the bank the check was written on) in Woodbridge. I walked into the bank, signed the paycheck, provided my two forms of out of state identification and asked them to cash my check. I would have deposited the check in my bank, but there aren't any within 700 miles of here.

After the teller begins processing the check, he looks at me and informs me there will be a $5 charge to cash the check since I do not have an account.

"WHAT?! The check is written on YOUR bank and it states 'Pay to the order of' on the check! You telling me you want me to PAY you to cash YOUR check in YOUR bank?" At this point, I have the bank manager's ear.

The bank manager comes over and doesn't say a word. I look at her and ask her if this is true. She indicates it is.

"I see. Very well, understand that I am not a person to take something like this sitting down, no matter how menial the issue may be. If you ever WANTED me to open an account, it will never happen. For that matter, I will tell everyone I know to avoid PNC Bank."

The bank manager just looks at me.

He cashes my check and hands me my $71. I continue to wait. "May I have a receipt for my $5?"

"We do not do receipts sir."

"You have GOT to be kidding me." I am beyond frustrated. I yell over to the manager that has now gone back to her desk. "I would like a receipt for my $5 you charged me for cashing a PNC Bank check in the PNC Bank."

"Have the teller provide you one." she responds.

"I would, but the teller just told me that you don't have reciepts. Maybe you should show the teller how to make a receipt."

I know I was being belligerent, but I am sick and tired of the customer getting the shaft. These banks make more than enough money from overdrafts fees, checking account fees, penalties, using our money for investments and so forth. So when they want to charge a person five dollars to cash a check their bank made, it really upsets me. What happens to all of those people that use this check as their primary source of income? What if they cannot afford to open a bank account...or simply can't control themselves enough to have a bank account?

I realize I don't need the five dollars nearly as much as other people, but the fact that the bank just took 6.5% of my paycheck pisses me off. Someone needs to make an alternative. Someone needs to make a bank that works like it did in the old days.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). I have written two criticizing blogs in the past month about customer service or services. Maybe I should just create a site that is a sounding board for everyone about the customer service and support of every company out there. I don't think anyone has started anything like this yet so this should be fun. The first two entries will be Circuit City and PNC Bank.

Maybe if this get big enough, the company executives will use it to actually direct their company in the right direction.

Did you know...

Reducing customer defections can boost profits by 25-85%. In 73% of cases, the organization made no attempt to persuade dissatisfied customers to stay; even though 35% said that a simple apology would have prevented them from moving to the competition.

The last entry left a nice residual. Did a little research on a fart competition and found nothing real. I found some funny clips but nothing about a real competition. So, in honor of National Passing Gas day on January 7 (thank you High Priestess), I hereby create the first international fart competition to be held in Chicago, Illinois, United States on January 7, 2008. I just don't have time to pull off 100,000 people in 3 days.

To compete, it will cost you a meager $5.00 US per entry. Once entered, you can compete for one of the following categories per entry:

Longest Fart
Loudest Fart
Funniest Fart
Most Odiferous Fart
Team Fart (Creativity included)

The competition location is yet to be determined, but you can guarantee it will be in a location that contains alcohol, fire extinguishers, and good ventilation.

The pot will be a 50/50. 50% to the contestants, and the other 50% for the ref, bar and whatever other expenses.

Here are the rules:

When called, each competitor will grip the fart post.

At the signal from the referee, the competitor will commence to fart. The competitor will have 20 seconds to begin or will be disqualified.

Dropping soil in the pants is immediate disqualification.

There will be a point system, but I have yet to work out those air bubbles.

The audience is requested NOT to fart as the referree will need to be able to determine odor.

I have looked this up and there is a man in Europe that holds the current World Record duration of 9 seconds. I am sure, Americans have considerably more hot air than our European counterparts.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). When you come to Chicago, do not rent a car. Use the cabs. There are plenty of them in the city and now there is a way to find a cab. How cool is this? Google has created a site that has the current real time locations of cabs and shuttles. Some are even natural gas powered.

Did you know...

The average person produces a half liter of fart gas per day.

I have been asked how I come up with the blog topics for my blog. Actually, this is fairly simple. I will either be researching something that came up in conversation, or walking my pet sheep and I will think to myself "how odd is that?" Then I take this idea and without any real direction, start writing...or typing as the case may be.

Then, about 2 minutes into being seated comfortably in my chair in front of the keyboard, I realize I need to go to the bathroom. Be right back.

...

OK, much better. What usually happens is I start with a small idea of what to write about and from there I end up with diarrhea of the fingers. I will sit here and write and write about absolutely nothing while at the same time try to come up with a point to the message I deliver in the form that I am currently delivering it.

I will scratch my head (get your mind out of the gutter), pause for a drink of water, loosen up my fingers and begin. My topics may range from toilet paper to cell phones but in the end, I have a point. Now the point may at times have nothing to do with the topic of conversation (or at least at first you may not think so), but it is still a point.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). Why don't we have farting competitions? We have pig calling, pumpkin chunkin, burping, hot dog eating, beer chugging, bird calling, bed racing, and Nobel prizes...but we don't have the anus gaseous competition. This is the one body function competition everyone is capable of competing in and possibly even winning. The competitive field would be world-wide. There would be no limitations to how old, or who could enter.

I am certain there are people out there who think they could let off the ultimate, stinky, loud air biscuit...and to be considered the best in the world may just be worth the $5 entry fee. I think someone should put this together. It is just money waiting to be made...and wouldn't that be fun to write about?

Did you know...

Sheep were used to maintain the lawn of the White House during World War I.

Yes, I know, I am a day late, but I do not have a computer at home (well, where I am staying right now), nor an Internet connection even if I had a computer. Happy new year to everyone. Since it is the new year, I figured I would check on how my resolutions went for last year.

My first resolution was to shut down my World of Warcraft. I have. I don't even miss it now. That is one weird addiction that really needs to be researched. I am thrilled that I at least made it through that resolution.

My second resolution was to become more social...and boy did I. I didn't end up joining a bowling league or a civic group (as I probably should have) but I did become more social because of my daily commute to and from work in Chicago. I made great friends. I went out to White Sox baseball outing with them and have attended a few parties. Being social has great points and also big lessons. Lessons I never realized I needed to learn.

My last resolution was to travel more. Well, I am traveling more...but not with my family. This is not exactly what I meant by "travel more." This year, this resolution will move up the priority list.

So what are my resolutions this year? Last year, I promised myself not to make one of those stupid fitness-club-or-go-on-a-diet resolutions. I feel they are unattainable as I have tried that road before and the fitness club membership 2 year requirement always comes back to bite me on the arse. But this year, I will try something that I truly think is within my reach. I will become a healthier and happier person. The happier part seems to be working itself out. The healthier part will require my input and time.

There is a fitness room here in my building. Today, I brought clothes to use in the fitness room. It is not a big room...but it is better than nothing. I figure if I am there for 3 days a week, that will be a good start. I don't want to go into it too fast until I have had the doctor give me a once over.

Becoming healthier is not just being fit. It is also being physically healthy. I am now 40 years old. This means I need to watch for health issues such as growths, joint problems, digestive problems and anything else that may shorten my life considerably. What this also means is unfortunately, it is finally time to have the probe. You men know exactly what probe I am talking about. The exit only turns into a means to determine if you have colon or prostate cancer. EVERY man needs to be checked once they reach my age. There have been far to many early deaths due to this and it is treatable if you catch it early.

I intend to live long enough to see all of my children retire. This can only be done if I take care of myself and get healthier.

This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). Writing 2007 will be much easier than writing 2006. I like making the little line across the middle of my seven when I write 2007. It almost makes it feel like the seven has more importance than the six did. Yes...I will have to think about the importance of the seven as the doctor probes me. Good thing I have a female doctor...smaller fingers.

This will be a good year. May your 2007 be as great as mine.

Did you know...

In 2002,

• 70,651 men and 68,883 women were diagnosed with colorectal cancer
• 28,471 men and 28,132 women died from colorectal cancer
• more than 190,000 men in the United States were diagnosed with prostate cancer, and 30,446 men died of the disease.